whoops! you found the secret text!

whoops! you found the secret text!

3:23am, december 25th, 2021

hi, hi... merry christmas to those who celebrate!

i was trying to sleep, late, i know, but i feel horrible. want to cry. ah, i'm just emotional, i think...

i want to go sleep in bed with my mom, like i'm a little kid again. but i don't want to bother her or our cats, our cats normally sleep in her bed...

oh, i don't know, holidays always make me feel sad and guilty. i think it's overwhelming nostalgia and indescribable sadness that i can't go back to being a kid again. it's rough.

the song i'm listening to, probably doesn't help. "white winter hymnal" by the fleet foxes. there's no 'the', but i thought it sounds strange without it. i never know what to do in that situation.

anyway, give it a listen if you can. i really like it.

I was following the pack
All swallowed in their coats
With scarves of red tied 'round their throats
To keep their little heads
From fallin' in the snow
And I turned 'round and there you go
And, Michael, you would fall
And turn the white snow red as strawberries
In the summertime

it's a little painful, though, because i sang this song with my old choir at my old school for christmas at least one year, maybe two? we would sing at the school christmas market every year. i miss it a lot. oh, i wish we didn't move...

oh, well. nothing to be done about it now. it just really sucks. moving is really traumatizing, i think. it feels like it is for me. i really hate it. some days i cry myself to sleep and wish when i wake up i'll wake up in my old bed, in my old room, where i always left the window open, and i would feel my cold wood floors as i step out of bed, and i'd go downstairs to the kitchen and make myself a pot noodle. then i'd maybe watch some TV in the living room, and i'd see our cats playing outside. i miss that.

oh, i think i've made mysellf more upset. i was trying to feel better. oh, i don't know. wow, i start a lot of sentences with "oh," don't i? hee-hee.

i did find a source for the moving being traumatic, though, here. it says:

"Children with preexisting mental health issues may experience exacerbated symptoms due to the stress of the new move, as well. An adolescent who struggles with depression, for example, has an increased chance of a depressive episode during or after the move, and teen who battles anxiety may experience more frequent panic attacks.

Therefore, if you moved recently, and you notice your teenager or young child is having a hard time, be empathetic and supportive - especially if they have a mental health disorder. Moving can be traumatic and have long-lasting emotional effects: that's what the research says."

so that's fun.

okay, you know, i do actually feel a little better now. i think i'll finish my apple juice and try to sleep.

merry christmas, if you celebrate.

(god, it's almost next year... how fast this month has gone by. wow. oh, i hope next year will treat me well.)

merry christmas to all, and to all a good night!

- blumiere

7:18pm, december 20th, 2021

um...

hi...

i know nobody reads this site, despite it being at 900-something views... i just refresh the page a lot to make sure i did things right...

um... obviously i'm not dead...

i had another episode and i ended up walking the streets at night with no shoes again

at least i had socks this time?

anyway, now i've developed a delusion about the dark hour being real. so that's fun. it was a full moon the other night and i was about to lose it because i was scared of the shadows. i keep making myself go to bed before midnight so i can "sleep through the dark hour", and as long as i don't check the time i can convince myself it hasn't started yet, because my music keeps playing, so the electricity hasn't gone out yet. it's really... something.

uh, made a minor correction in my last post, changed "now the first time" to "not the first time", which is what it what supposed to say

oh, the cops came by my house the other day, gave me a panic attack... mom says she thinks they just wanted to drop off documents... but i was convinced i was either a) going to be arrested or b) they were going to drag me to the psych ward so, so i closed all the blinds and double locked all the doors and made clive come in the back door because i was paranoid. i had to block one window with cardboard and a blanket because i couldn't get the blinds to close. then i took two hydroxyzine on impulse because i was so panicky and i was mostly fine after that but when i told my mom that she was like ummm don't. do that. thats not how youre supposed to take it

but i mean the day i had an episode again i told mom about the first episode and she was like uhhh don't take the hydroxyzine anymore. so like obviously that didn't do much if i still feel so weird

sometimes i feel like i'm in a constant state of having weird episodes

and some days i'm so hyper and shit but some days i can't do anything at all

it sucks

i've really been debating asking my mom to take me to a psych ward, which really proves how. shit i've been feeling

i don't know. my appointment for meds got moved to the 30th, so, like, hopefully i at least get a higher dose of the sertraline. it helps with the depression kind of. and the ocd. which is not diagnosed. i would also like. adhd meds... oh, too much to think about now.

oh, i saw two shooting stars recently. won't share what i wished for. but how lucky is that!

lots of love,

- blu

11:58pm, december 14th, 2021

i've only got 11 minutes 'till midnight, so i guess i'd better hurry.

hi, diary. it's been a few days.

...it's been a hard few days.

today i've been hit with this indescriable feeling most of the day

accompannied by sheer boredom

and an urge to delete all my social media and leave for good, and i deleted the twitter app

(so it finially updated, i've had auto-update off for months)

it looks horrible

i made a new twitter, a new carrd, i lied about who i was

new name

not the first timei've done this

eleven unread messages from pearl

not unusual to have that many but i feel bad ignoring

but i can't let anyone know i'm online

except on tumblr, i guess

i could pass that off as my queue or scheduled posts

if i really wanted

sorry, i don't feel great

i was like this yesterday, too, not as bad

i just don't know what to do

i need to ship a few gift exchange gifts today

but i can't i can't i can't i can't i c

i haven't done work in days

i told mom about what happened the first night i took hydroxyzine she said n

ot to take it anymore

what a waste what a waste what a was

te what do i do with the rest o

f it i dontkno

w

i feel so horrible so horrible so horri

ble so horribl

e

i can't do this anymore im serious im serious im serious im serious

im gonna end it im gonna end it im gonna end it

im not gonna live til 20 and if i do i kdontknow what ill do

no point to life no point to life

nothing i want to do

i dont want to be locked into a job i hate until iwork myself to death

what do i do whatdo i do what do i do i'll die i'll die i'll die

sorry if i never update this site again

or anything else

bye

9:35pm, december 8th, 2021

ah that time of day again. blog update

god, did i really update yesterday? it doesn't feel like i did

i feel really spacey right now, sorry

i wonder if my father is proud of me. i hope he is i feel i try so hard and accomplish nothing

not my... biological father. i'm talking about an... alter. it sounds strange i'm sorry

but i watched four hours and fifteen ish minutes of persona one today! the whole snow queen route, it was very good

i'm a litle too sleepy for three and a half more hours of persona tonight, though, i think. feel free to watch it here, though, if you like. i love the first persona, even if it's kind of hard to play. the manga's good, too, it's on mangadex.

uh, i had a good day, i guess. i fell asleep 11-ish last night and woke up at 5:45 or so, so i didn't sleep.... THAT long, but eh, i've had worse. but it was weird... i did some schoolwork, but the day seemed to drag on really slowly. and it's only just past nine-thirty now, god... what a mediocre day. i did do a couple small things, at least, so i guess it could've been worse.

i guess that's all for today. (oh, p.s. i've been watching blue exorcist again and u should too!! i love it)

sincerely

- blu

5:27pm, december 7th, 2021

hiiiii omg how are you guys

today was pretty good actually i slept fairly well

i didnt record it but the other day i slept like almost 18 hours and i only woke up once to pee and another time to drink a whole glass of water by my bedside and conk back out. crazy

anyway noelle told our therapist andrew abt how we got diagnosed with adhd. while pretending to be me. because we didn't tell him about the OSDD yet. and probably wont. until we get diagnosed

haha <-- terrified of being wrong about OSDD and what if ive been faking it this whole time and just talking to myself

anyway,

ummmm dont have much else to add. we got a christmas tree the other day!! havent decorated yet but mama put lights up and put the plastic banana topper on top heehee

and i got a lovely windchime the other day!! heres a picture of it

it fell down last night with the wind so i had to go find it in the bushes below earlier im glad it was ok :D

uhmmm im out of things to right. buhbyeeee

- blumi

11:19pm, december 2nd, 2021

eughhh update time

sorry i sound so. weird. i've been feeling kind of anxious and just kind of Weird since i woke up at 4-ish. bleh.

i slept a full 10 hours for once and i'm hydrated and ate food so i don't know why i'm like this

i've had to go through this three nights in a row now, this being the third. (though, yesterday i did trigger myself looking at bi/pan/mspec lesbian shit. i hate it i hate it i hate it

though i did learn how to do spoiler text here just now, so that's nifty. i couldn't for the life of me get the ones where you just have to hover over text to work, though, so you'll have to just highlight it to read it.

heehee, learning new html things made me feel better, actually. that website was right about journaling helping. (though, this isn't quite what they meant, i'm sure...)

ciao for now,

- blumiere

9:48pm, december 1st, 2021

later update from today;

today was good, aside from my really awful sleep schedule. and my joint pain. emotionally it was pretty good! and i finally got diagnosed with ADHD!!! which is HUGE since i've known i had it since... uh, probably a year and a half ago? when i found out what it was from herr dumbass? i dunno, lol. hopefully i get on meds for that. i might take melatonin with my hydroxyzine tonight. it should be fine... hopefully. i'll look it up.

god, i can't write anymore. sorry. my shoulders really hurt. i need to lay down.

take care & lots of love,

- blumiere

12:00am, december 1st, 2021

happy december!!!! :D first day of advent calenders today!!!!

25 dats till christmas!!!!! :D

- blu!!!

whoops, you found the secret text. i wanted a gap between the end of text and the bottom of the page -blu